Miss K Word

Category: Blog

Musings

  • How to Cope with Depression/Anxiety

    I have discovered after a lifetime of living with Depression and Anxiety, that there are some things that I can do to help myself during relapses.

    Routine

    A big one is Routine.  I get up for my day, start the coffee pot, let the dogs out, and get dressed.  I know it sounds really un-glamorous.  Let me tell you that getting dressed, in a bra (even if it’s a sports bra), putting on jeans, a tee, socks and shoes, brushing my hair, and using deodorant, can make such a difference in how I feel even at the end of the day.  So simple, so do-able, so hard some days.

    Part of routine is keeping a normal bedtime.  Sticking to a normal diet, eating breakfast, lunch and dinner, trying for a little exercise, all part of the routine is huge.  It keeps me from totally going off the rails, literally.

    Creativity

    Having a creative outlet is so important to me!  I like to draw (more doodle really), write (obviously) including poetry (sort of), journal and take photos.  These are all parts of my self-reflection and self-care.  I carve time out of my day to go somewhere quiet, usually out to my back deck, or guest bedroom and sit with my feelings and doodle or write or crochet.

    I am a crazy crocheter.  Usually, if I am sitting, I am stitching.  There is something about the rhythm of the hook, the movement of the yarn through my fingers, and making something that wasn’t there before that just totally lights me up!  I make big things like blankets, or small things like amigurumi (stuffed animals) and it brings me so much joy!  Even on my darkest days, when my brain just won’t shut off, I can pick up a crochet hook and some yarn and just for a little while my mind quiets and I come out of that fight/flight response and my nervous system slows just for a bit, I breathe deep and take in the peace.

    Music

    Music helps me move through my day. There are artists I love who have lyrics that speak to me. Kelly Clarkson and her song, “People Like Us.” Pink and her lyric “let me show you my scars in the daylight.” These ladies have been through some shit, and I can totally relate. Find the music that moves you.

    Learning

    I read.  Usually at night as I am heading to bed.  It gives my brain something to gnaw on while I slow for sleep.  Sometimes it works, sometimes not so much, but more often than not, it does help me go to sleep.

    Medicine

    Medicine is a big one, huge actually, too big to cover here.  I am sure to take my meds every day!  I have known people who have mentally illness, are prescribed medicine, get relief from their symptoms and then stop taking their meds, thinking they don’t need them anymore.  And then the whole cycle starts all over again.  I am a maniac (not manic) about taking my meds.  They can’t help me if I don’t take them. 

    Keeping Your Appointments

    I keep every mental health appointment!  Therapy is my super-power in keeping from doing any of the self-injury that I have used in the past to cope.  We will get more into that in posts to come.  My therapist is such a blessing, she is kind, nonjudgemental, and always open to offering her insights into my behavior.  She is absolutely terrific.  I cannot gush enough about my therapist.  Everyone should have one, in some form or another.  We have done in office appointments and currently are meeting virtually. 

    My psychiatrist is another of my super-powers.  He is always calm, listens intently and works towards my mental balance.  We have tried many combinations of medications, many to no avail, since I am a bit drug resistant, having taken so many medications over my life, most do not help me much, but we have worked out a regimen that does help me better manage.  I do look forward to the time when I might take a blood test, to indicate which medications will work. I know that is coming and I can’t wait!

    There is not a cure, at least that I am aware of, for depression and anxiety. There are methods that help manage the symptoms and some of them are presented here. There are hundreds of thousands of management methods out there in the world, each as unique as the people managing their symptoms and living in the world with Depression and Anxiety.

    What are some of your skills? What has helped you through the tough times?

  • What Does Depression Feel Like?

    I suffer from Depression and Anxiety.

    I don’t mean I have “the blues.” 

    I don’t mean that I am a little emotional right now. 

    I don’t mean that I am “a little down.” 

    I mean that I have a medical, physiological condition that causes my mind to race, me to ruminate on unpleasant thoughts and not be able to rest, even when sleeping for 10 hours a night.

    I suffer from Major Depression and Chronic Anxiety.

    These flare ups are usually precipitated by outside events.  The one that I am currently suffering through was caused by the 2024 Presidential election results.  This is not the place to talk politics and this is not what this blog is about. 

    This is an example merely to show that this particular flare was triggered by something completely out of my control.  And even though people remind me regularly, that I need to just “let it go,” I can’t. 

    My brain is holding onto it so tight that it blots out any other thoughts, even at work.  Concentration is out the window.  I work a job that requires great attention to detail.  And I have made big, grand mistakes at work that have cost our department time and money. 

    But it’s like all I can think about is the ruination of our lives, everything my wife and I have worked towards in our lives.  Buying a home, living our quiet Lesbian lives in conservative Northern Arizona, improving our health, adding to the value of our little tourist community along Route 66, being good and kind neighbors.

    Think of it as clouds blotting out the sun on a rainy day, only I can’t blow the clouds away no matter how much I try.  I want to be “normal”.  I don’t want to ruminate on the horrible, horrifying images my mind conjures. 

    Additionally, my mind moves so slowly.  I feel like thinking comes at a sloths’ pace, that I have nothing left for decision making, or sorting, or, well, life.  Fortunately, my heart beats and lungs take in air through bodily function and not because I have to think them too.

    This “brain fog” makes me feel like I have cotton in each little crease in my brain, packed in and around my cranium, so thinking, sorting, decision making all take great effort, great energy because I am working through bales and bales of cotton in my head.

    I have trouble remembering things I recently took in.  And names forget it.  Accessing that particular file is almost impossible, there is so much cotton wrapped around it, I just can’t even get through.  So, talking can even be a struggle.

    So why continue living?  I have only compassion for those that choose to leave their lives with such a finality.  And for the loved ones left behind.

    Why am I still here, then? 

    Because I want to be.

    Because I still feel like I have something to contribute to the world. 

    Because I love my wife, and I don’t want to leave her or our two dogs.

    Because despite all this struggle, I still want to live and to get better and to live a fulfilling life.

    The subject of Depression has been taboo for far too long in our society.  I want to try and break that taboo.  I want a calm, honest, and open discussion about Depression and Anxiety, so that maybe those people hiding in the corners understand that there is help out there.  Maybe if I talk about my craziness, someone else won’t feel quite so crazy or alone. 

    Despite my flare up, I am blessed to have an understanding wife, dogs to walk, a beautiful home to live in, a job that has blessedly given me time off to get my mind clear of cotton, and a little bit of money in the bank for emergencies.  We are not in great shape financially, but we are okay, we are above the Federal Poverty Level, but well below the median income for our state.

    In the blogs to follow, I look to explore my history, how friends have helped me, how therapy has made such a huge difference, how medication helps keep me level, hospitalization and what a solid future looks like for me and to maybe start a discussion for you in your life. 

    Mostly I am writing this, so you know that you ARE NOT ALONE!  And maybe, just maybe you’ll stick around to find your answers too!