I suffer from Depression and Anxiety.
I don’t mean I have “the blues.”
I don’t mean that I am a little emotional right now.
I don’t mean that I am “a little down.”
I mean that I have a medical, physiological condition that causes my mind to race, me to ruminate on unpleasant thoughts and not be able to rest, even when sleeping for 10 hours a night.
I suffer from Major Depression and Chronic Anxiety.
These flare ups are usually precipitated by outside events. The one that I am currently suffering through was caused by the 2024 Presidential election results. This is not the place to talk politics and this is not what this blog is about.
This is an example merely to show that this particular flare was triggered by something completely out of my control. And even though people remind me regularly, that I need to just “let it go,” I can’t.
My brain is holding onto it so tight that it blots out any other thoughts, even at work. Concentration is out the window. I work a job that requires great attention to detail. And I have made big, grand mistakes at work that have cost our department time and money.
But it’s like all I can think about is the ruination of our lives, everything my wife and I have worked towards in our lives. Buying a home, living our quiet Lesbian lives in conservative Northern Arizona, improving our health, adding to the value of our little tourist community along Route 66, being good and kind neighbors.
Think of it as clouds blotting out the sun on a rainy day, only I can’t blow the clouds away no matter how much I try. I want to be “normal”. I don’t want to ruminate on the horrible, horrifying images my mind conjures.
Additionally, my mind moves so slowly. I feel like thinking comes at a sloths’ pace, that I have nothing left for decision making, or sorting, or, well, life. Fortunately, my heart beats and lungs take in air through bodily function and not because I have to think them too.
This “brain fog” makes me feel like I have cotton in each little crease in my brain, packed in and around my cranium, so thinking, sorting, decision making all take great effort, great energy because I am working through bales and bales of cotton in my head.
I have trouble remembering things I recently took in. And names forget it. Accessing that particular file is almost impossible, there is so much cotton wrapped around it, I just can’t even get through. So, talking can even be a struggle.
So why continue living? I have only compassion for those that choose to leave their lives with such a finality. And for the loved ones left behind.
Why am I still here, then?
Because I want to be.
Because I still feel like I have something to contribute to the world.
Because I love my wife, and I don’t want to leave her or our two dogs.
Because despite all this struggle, I still want to live and to get better and to live a fulfilling life.
The subject of Depression has been taboo for far too long in our society. I want to try and break that taboo. I want a calm, honest, and open discussion about Depression and Anxiety, so that maybe those people hiding in the corners understand that there is help out there. Maybe if I talk about my craziness, someone else won’t feel quite so crazy or alone.
Despite my flare up, I am blessed to have an understanding wife, dogs to walk, a beautiful home to live in, a job that has blessedly given me time off to get my mind clear of cotton, and a little bit of money in the bank for emergencies. We are not in great shape financially, but we are okay, we are above the Federal Poverty Level, but well below the median income for our state.
In the blogs to follow, I look to explore my history, how friends have helped me, how therapy has made such a huge difference, how medication helps keep me level, hospitalization and what a solid future looks like for me and to maybe start a discussion for you in your life.
Mostly I am writing this, so you know that you ARE NOT ALONE! And maybe, just maybe you’ll stick around to find your answers too!